Happiness is...

Drinking coffee on a Saturday morning while listening to Dennis Prager podcasts.

Bittersweetness

Life is so full of joy and sorrow. And often at the same time.

These past few months have seen great highs and lows. I have been presented with a number of incredible opportunities, found a wonderful place to live and am supporting my brother and his fiancee plan their wedding. At the same time, two people I love and admire have been diagnosed with brain tumors, another friend of mine is grieving the loss of her friend to a brain tumor, my childhood friend's mom has breast cancer, my mom's dear friend just had heart surgery and today my best friend told me she has skin cancer.

Meanwhile, my cousin and his wife welcomed their first child into the world, I finished my research proposal and many of my close companions who do not yet know the Lord are voicing greater interest in my faith.

It is a strange place, betwixt and between the two extremes. I thank God that He is my rock. This would all be far too much to handle without Him.

Ideas a la carte

I'm in forced bedrest mode, suffering from a horrendous case of strep throat, which is common among children. I work with children, or little carrier monkeys as we affectionately call them. As such, they're perfectly healthy and I'm stuck at home. I like relaxing and taking time off work. But I prefer doing that on vacation when I'm not battling a fever of 102 and coughing my lungs up. But I guess I'll take what I can get. :)

In the meantime, a random assortment of ideas streaming through my heavily medicated mind:

~I just watched Pirates of the Caribbean (the first one) and found myself criticizing certain unlikely aspects of the movie, such as Ms. Swan letting herself down the side of a ship conveniently into a dinghy. And then I thought, "You're criticizing that detail in a movie about pirates searching for the blood of a traitor to undo a curse that makes them virtually undead beings?"

~I live in an all black neighborhood. I love the street I live on and the neighbors are really sweet. But as I was sick as a dog the other day and since I live alone, I had to drag myself to the store for soup and such. I had the most horrifically unfriendly demeanor because I wanted to die. And I felt so bad that I was the only white girl in the store looking like I'd eat someone if they talked to me.

~Research proposals...what's that all about?

~Interviews are a funny process. I endured a three hour interview recently and thought I did quite well. The balance between being too confident and over eager and too modest is very difficult. I thought I managed it well, but we'll see. I'll keep you posted because if that works out, I'd have one of the most kickin positions ever. And by "you" I mean my mom and Dave. :)

K. That's all my worn out, drugged little brain can manage. At least for now.

S.O.S

I would consider myself a pretty motivated person, but for the life of me I cannot work up enough desire to write/finish my research proposal. I suppose part of it's because:

a.) it's summer
b.) the seminar class is credit/no credit. This one's heavily motivated by letter grades. No letter grades, no good.
c.) it's summer

I even have a wicked topic that I'm fairly passionate about. Still nothing.

Need fire. In belly. Not working.

Ugh.

I can't get no...

Unrest is everywhere. It's hugely evident in our culture, with the over medication of kids and adults, the steady rise of juvenile crime, constant protests. People are not at rest. Nor will they ever be.

Paul admonishes Christians to find contentment in all situations, but he doesn't mean this as an excuse to live a life of blissful lethargy. (I think we all know what he means.) As believers, we have the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. We have abundant joy and the hope of spending eternity with our Creator. But we are still not at rest because this is not our home. While we have peace, we are possibly more painfully aware of the fact that our earthly surroundings do not align with God's original intent.

But the unrest we experience can spur us on to serve our world in a greater capacity to see an invasion of God's original design for his creation. Our unrest should motivate us into a deeper relationship with God, as this world is just not livable without that. Our dissatisfaction with the world is a good thing--it means the worlds isn't good enough, and it's not.

I am not a runner. In fact, land activity isn't natural to this one. I'm a water sports girl. But yesterday I ran and you know that place you hit when all your joints and muscles are finally warmed up and you could run and run forever, or so it seems? I hit that place and ran and ran. But then I realized I wasn't pushing myself so I hauled for a quarter mile to cap off the two mile run. (And yes, this is huge for me. Remember: swimmer.)

As I was running I was thinking about satisfaction, contentment, and unrest. If athletes were wholly satisfied and content, they would never improve nor win anything. Their discontent pushes them because it's the realization that "I'm here but could be here."

It's the same with us. We're here in this messed up world with messed up people. And soon, we won't be. But while we are, our understanding of how things ought to be should act as a catalyst which brings about God's will on earth.

Now hold on a second

Having grown up in the church and heard whole messages preached on verses such as, "No, in all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us," (Rom 8:37), I've not ever fancied myself a victim. In fact, when I was a teenager I left team sports for individualized sports so that I couldn't blame someone else for a loss.

And yet, in matters of my faith I find myself freaking out about certain issues, either things that have not come to pass, things I am hoping will, or something to that effect. I found myself doing this last week after I had invested myself in a situation I had hoped would bear fruit. Rather than praying, asking God to bless the situation and protect it from the adversary, I freaked out. Super productive. And...the behavior of a victim.

If there is one thing I have loved about growing up in the Foursquare church that I have is that they don't allow you to be a victim about much. You're generically depressed (not clinically)? How's your prayer life? How much time do you spend in the Word? Are you taking time to personally worship Him?

Things not working out with a friend? How much have you prayed and asked God to reveal what you might have done to contribute to the situation? Have you prayed and asked God's blessing on the person who hurt you? Have you apologized and asked forgiveness for your part?

Honestly, those questions are the worst thing ever when you're in a situation. It's the voice of your mom when you don't do well on a test (which, of course has never been me) saying, "Well...how much did you study for it?"

But I appreciate such questions and that nudging toward personal responsibility now that I'm older and wiser (cough, cough). I don't care to be friends with professional victims, I loathe victim mentalities and yet, in some situations I'm a big, fat hypocrite because I tow that party line.

Not anymore.

The minute I realized I had much more power than that, maybe not necessarily over the situation itself, but over my attitude and prayer life for the situation, I felt so much freer. (That was a horribly constructed sentence and I apologize to my four readers. Yes, I have four now :) I could list the scriptures that coincide with this post, but that would make this a ridiculously long post. To sum up, we are more than conquerors who needn't go around worrying about situations "beyond our control." We can pray and ask God to soften hearts, open ears and keep the enemy from messing with those whom we love and care about.

Well, maybe I will list one longer passage as back up for my post. These are the verses that should revolutionize your thinking as well as prayer life. I mean, just think about this...

Ephesians 1:18-23 (NIV),

I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

The same power that raised Christ from the dead is available to us every day. It's impossible to be a victim when one understands that.

What not to do

Things to avoid before writing a significant paper with an imminent deadline:

1. Work out

2. Work out really hard...so hard you can't think straight or move your arms.

Just a few pearls for you.

City of Angels

John 15:2: "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."


When I began applying to graduate schools, I had my mind set on moving to Orange County (which is actually where I originally hail from). I had been accepted to a good school out there, the area was beautiful, but then I got an acceptance packet from a school I've always wanted to attend. Massive wrench in plans. For days and days I deliberated and sought God's direction. I went on long runs just asking the Lord to speak to me about where I should go. In the end, I chose the school in the heart of Los Angeles.

I had no idea what I was getting into :)

There is something truly amazing about leaving the comforts of home and well established positions and intentionally starting new. I left friends, family and a secured position in ministry at my home church. It was exciting and terrifying all at the same time. But I've gotten to know the Lord in ways I never would have had I not left. The Friend and Provider, the Counselor and Defender I've found in him have so enriched my life and deepened my walk with Him.

But the process of intimately experiencing these traits of God has not been easy. It's been an exercise in faith, which, of course, I swore I had enough of before moving out here.

I come from a family that loves the outdoors and has a passion for making a garden beautiful. My mother has a fantastic green thumb. Every year she dramatically prunes her rose bushes, which is really not the most attractive process. Without an awareness of the rules in tending to a garden, it's almost depressing to see pruned bushes. But what I've found is the more dramatic the pruning, the more abundant the plant is when it blooms.

How much more does this prove true in our lives? The more the hand of our Redeemer cuts away the things that don't please Him, the things that won't bear fruit, the more fruitful we will be in due season. It's not necessarily cute to look at while it's happening and it can leave a once prideful rose bush feeling more vulnerable than she'd like, but the results are always the same: evidence of a faithful God who knows what He is doing in our lives. No home or position could ever bring that kind of comfort.

The Simple Things

Three people really did read my first post! This is thrilling!

Paradox Part Deux

(How often do you see the letter x two times in a three word title?)

I am blessed with fantastic friends. Most of whom I greatly admire for their witty sense of humor. This wit, in turn, brings mine out and often one phone call can turn into an hour-long round of one-liner after one-liner.

As a meta-cognitive human being, I am always catching phrases that don't make sense or simply don't fully encapsulate my intended meaning. One such phrase uttered tonight was:

"I'd be a vegetarian if I didn't love meat so much."

And there it is.

Apprehension Anonymous

It is with tremendous hesitation that I am picking up my proverbial blog pen to begin writing again, in this format. Being an "all or nothing" type, blogging can quickly become too invasive a presence in my life, which is exactly why I suspended the activity when I began my master's program. See...all, or nothing. Can't devote too much time to blogging? Ditch it. :)

Who knows...I may even delete this post and pretend nothing ever happened.

A little about me. Or, more than the "About Me" section of this page, as it really reveals nothing, which is sort of the point of having a nom de plume. Of course, my picture's there. I'm full of contradictions. There's one thing about me.

Another thing about me: I love that I just used so many contractions in the last few paragraphs. I was forced to abandon such grammatical shortcuts when I began "scientific writing," which is also known as extreme torture.

I love to write, though that love may not be entirely apparent in my quick posts. But I love the English language and admire and respect those who use it well. I'm a grammar nerd, but don't hold me to too high a standard on this thing. I'm sure I will be guilty of drive-by writing.

That's enough for now.

To the three people who will read this...don't be surprised if this post is gone in the morning. ;-)